Cubs Power

*Snort*  I was soooo into baseball as a kid.  And, in honor of the Chicago Cubs doing so well this season, I'll torture you with this poem I wrote (and all the cheesy nickname I had for my faves back then).  Ryne Sandberg, Greg Maddux, Harry Caray, Steve Stone... ahhh, those were the days.  :)

~It's a beautiful day for a ball game, let's play two!

 

Cubs Power

4/15/89

The starting lineup

Has some punch

With Sandberg,

Law and Grace

Let’s not forget Damon

And, of course, not Andre

Pinstripe Maddux, pitches wit power

And sometimes gracefully

But with Prince Markie, Ryno

Shawon and Vance

He needn’t ever worry

His battery mate is the great

Number nine Damon Berryhill

To whom he has no equal

Besides that, the outfield’s loaded

With the leader of the army, Andre

Mitch and Jerome too

The Cubs have talent

The strength and the drive

They have their fans

And their good ol’ Wrigley

But most of all

They have Harry, Steve and Dewayne

Blood Love

Up until I hit high school, I'd always written short stories.  I'm just too long-winded to even consider writing anything shorter. However, you know how teens are and it seemed like everyone around me was writing poetry.  And, while I enjoy a good poem, I'd never tried to write any.  Um, well, now I know why.  Found a notebook with a bunch of things I'd written back then and as I get them typed up and saved to disk, I'll share them here.  Maybe. LOL  Before you laugh, check the date - I wasn't quite 15 yet. LOL

~A rather embarrassed, Mika

Blood Love

5/8/89

Slowly we drink

Our special red wine

From long-stemmed crystal glasses

A single drop floats gently

Gently down your chin

We glance up, our eyes meet

And we smile

Our long sharp fangs

Glisten in the moonlight

Desperation

I wrote this one night in the middle of a really bad bout of depression. Felt like no one I talked to cared, and those that I knew WOULD care, I didn't feel like I could burden them with what I was feeling. So, I wrote, just like I always do. I'd been listening to Miranda Lamber's CD Crazy Ex-Girlfriend a lot at the time and her song Desperation kept haunting me. So, I took a few lines from the song and here we are. Click on the link in the song's title above to listen to it. (Thanks Miranda, hijacked that link straight off your site)

~Mika

Desperation

(March 25, 2008)

Desperation…

It’s true, I can’t take it any longer. The hurt, the pain, the frustration, all the crap you throw at me on a daily basis. Why not take it somewhere else? Find someone new? I’m desperate for a release, for a break, for just one moment alone without your memory or your false mouth.

I wish you wouldn’t always feel like you have to share it with me. Take it away, keep it to yourself, tell your lies to the wind. Just don’t come around here, expecting me to say okay. Knowing that I’m weak and willing to give in, just for one more night.

There's danger in frustration

The anger bubbles, simmers deep inside. I wait, and I hope and I pray. Pray that you’ll see the light, and come clean, for me. Never works, won’t ever happen. Mile upon mile of dusty desert road unfolds and covers what was left of this love.

I hold the handle, grip the trigger. Here you come again.

Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth

Baby, baby please, ya just gotta belive me. Won’t happen again, didn’t mean a thing. How can I believe, after all this time, after all these lies. Come, let me hold you; make you forget your pain. My love is a force and it won’t leave you stranded, alone.

You come closer, my will is weak. Heart screaming, “Never again!” I take a giant leap.

It all comes undone, falling, falling down to the asphalt. Landing hard, I land on my heart. Just like always. Just the way you always made me fall.

I'm still desperate for you…

I Can't Walk Away Epilogue

Mika's Note: Holy crap, I'm done!

Epilogue

In the beginning, I’d had my reasons for not telling Jonas about the baby, my main one being fear. I was terrified that he’d leave me – just turn his back and walk away. Little did I know that that would be the least of my worries. I never dreamed that Macy would wind up pregnant at the same time and that he’d leave me for her. Or that they’d wind up apart, like I’d always hoped, and that I’d be somewhere else entirely.

My relationship with him had been tenuous on the best of days. He’d show up, he’d run off. He’d be mine for an hour or two and then go back to being Mr. Husband for the other twenty-two. And then there were days, nights rather, where she was off shopping or doing who knew what and he’d be mine, all mine, for hours on end. It wasn’t my idea set up, but it was what it was and I made the best of what I had.

I shouldn’t have had to sacrifice myself – my happiness, my heart, my pride – for the makeshift love that I got in return. However, I don’t regret any of it because if I did, where would I be now? I wouldn’t be sitting here in the park, soaking up the sun while my much smaller version of Jonas ran around on stubbly legs chasing butterflies. And I sure wouldn’t be so utterly, completely at ease with the world around me.

Jakob Tanner Delaney arrived just three weeks after the big blow up at my former place of employment. He came suddenly, and ten days early, bawling and kicking like any child should. He had his daddy’s dark hair and my blue eyes. I was immediately in love all over again.

And I doubt this little ball of energy will ever break my heart.

Jonas came by the hospital and held his son. Sherridan had called him, having had been by my side through the entire ordeal. I’m not sure if he ever quite got over the way his younger brother had eased into my life in a way he never allowed himself to. He called a time or two, but after the third or fourth time Sherridan answered, he just stopped calling.

And I think I’m going to be okay with that.

I made some bad choices, and I think I’ve paid the price for those mistakes. I’m now saddled with the responsibility of raising my son well enough that he doesn’t make the same mistakes his Mama once did. And if he does? I hope he knows that he’s not alone and that there is a way out. That he can change the course of his life and make it one worth living. You don’t have to be trapped by circumstance nor do you have to live in fear of making mistakes.

Because it’s inevitable – you will make mistakes.

It’s how you handle them that counts.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 11

Mika's Note: I think this chapter is safe. LOL

I couldn’t even begin to tell you how long I hid in the closet, but eventually my manager fished me out and let me cry on her a little while. After I’d (kinda sorta not) pulled myself together, she gave me the afternoon off. Grateful and yet unable to drive, I posted myself at one of the café tables outside until I felt steady enough to get behind the wheel.

I sat there for quite some time. Molly, my co-worker, even brought me my favorite – a nonfat double shot iced mocha latte – when she realized I hadn’t moved in over an hour. And a maple pecan scone.

At least I knew Molly loved me.

I was nursing my coffee after having scarfed down my scone when he approached. My first clue was the shadow that fell across my table, followed closely by a whiff of expensive cologne. “Morgan?” he asked.

I looked up, not really sure what to expect. I’d thought it was Jonas coming back for another round until I’d smelled him. Jonas’ cologne was spicy, musky where this newcomer’s was fresh and crisp. “Yeah?”

He smiled at me and I cringed inwardly. Innard-melting smiles like that had gotten me to where I was right now, and I so didn’t need another dose of heartache. I think he must’ve read my mind because he laughed suddenly and held out his hand.

“I’m Sherridan McCaskill,” he introduced himself.

And then the double-whammy of recognition hit me. “You were with them earlier, weren’t you?” He nodded and I flashed on the other half of my recollection. “And you’re Jonas’ brother, too.”

He nodded again and gave me a sheepish grin. “Although, after the scene earlier, I’m not sure if I’m willing to admit as much.”

I instantly felt bad. “You can’t totally blame him for what happened, I wasn’t exactly nice either.”

He motioned towards my bulging stomach. “I’m not sure you should have been.”

I shrugged. I knew I wasn’t innocent in all that had happed up to this point. “I’m to blame for this situation as much as he is,” I tried to defend.

Sherridan shrugged this time and I smiled a little. “Maybe. Maybe not. But in the end, he was the one in the relationship and he was the one to pursue you. And I know this because he made a point of telling me this.”

I stared at him in horror, wondering if there had ever been anything real in this relationship. “Wow,” was all I had the strength to say.

“I know it, honey. I kept hoping that, with the way he talked about you, that he’d eventually admit to having some kind of feelings for you. But, if he did, he never said.”

“And now it’s too late.”

My lover’s brother barked out a laugh that caught me off guard. “Oh, he’s not going to like that, especially not after Macy kicked him out.”

I choked on my mocha. “She what?”

“She kicked him out while on the phone with her lawyer. I don’t see the two of them making it to a third anniversary.”

“Oh holy crap,” I breathed. As much as I loved Jonas and as much as I wanted Macy out of the way, I’m not sure I ever wanted either of them to get hurt because of this. But I guess that’s the consequences of the choices you make. Would it be selfish to say that I’m relieved that I’m not the only one suffering now? It would? Oh bother.

“That’s putting it mildly, I think.” He laughed, a lighter, throatier version of his older brother’s. “But, I think there’s hope for the boy because he sent me back her to make sure you were okay.” I gave him a look. “Or, as okay as can be expected. Do you need a ride?”

I shook my head and stood, finally feeling steady enough to stand. “I think I will be okay, thanks. And thanks for coming, I think it really helped.”

“Anytime,” he assured me, standing as well. “May I at least walk you to wherever you’re going?”

“My truck,” I informed him, pointing to the battered old thing in the parking lot.

Sherridan nodded and took my arm, leading me to my trusty old Dodge. After reassuring himself that I wouldn’t run myself off the road or anything else sinister, he smiled, waved, and walked away.

“Why couldn’t I have hooked up with that brother?” I wondered aloud to no one in particular.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 10

I know it’s wrong, but sometimes you can’t turn your back on someone, especially when that someone makes you feel so good.

The wedding came and went and I suffered alone through the honeymoon. He did his best, or so he told me, to remain a good loving husband to his new wife. Notice the missing word in that description? Yeah. Faithful. That was one virtue he fell rather short on.

And it was all my fault.

At the time, it didn’t bother me. After his proposal, Macy became über-bitch, demanding certain things for the wedding, for the house, for her own enjoyment. She spent less and less time at home and snapped at Jonas every time he opened his mouth. When confronted, she pleaded nerves from the wedding planning, but I think she was lying. He played the long-suffering husband and went along with her demands. He figured it had to be easier that way.

I had a sneaking suspicion that she married Jonas strictly for the benefits it would provide her, not out of the love it should have been for. But when you’re raised with access to everything you could ever desire, I suppose you look at things in a different light. You figure that you marry for security and you can find love later.

I dunno. I wasn’t raised with access to anything, but that’s a whole other novel. And one you’d rather not read anyway, I’m sure.

Jonas used to have the patience of a saint. Those first few months of marriage changed that. She tried his patience, his endurance, his sanity. One day, she’d be sweet as sugar and the next you’d think she was trying out for the Wizard of Oz. And not for the part of Dorothy, either. Then, suddenly, she’d disappear for a day or two, only to return home as fawning and lovey-dovey as any newlywed. Jonas had no idea what was going on. I’m almost certain he was afraid to know the truth.

I blamed it on the body snatchers, but well, maybe that’s just me.

The day she ordered him upstairs to change his clothes was the beginning of the end. He’d been on his way to um, see me, and had dressed the way I liked him best – old jeans, Armani t-shirt, sneaks… very casual and very manly on him. She, however, didn’t approve. Insisted that any man of ‘hers’ wasn’t going out in public like that. That’s about the moment the fight started.

That’s also the weekend he shacked up with me, refusing to go home.

Jonas showed up on my doorstep, looking pathetic and just done in. He spilled his heart to me, right there on my doorstep, with half of my neighbors listening in, I have no doubt. So, I took him in, rubbed his shoulders, fed him, and took him to bed. All in the name of helping him mend his marriage, I promised myself. I was helping him work out his frustrations and his anger and…

…and I got pregnant.

Damn him.

Hell, damn me too.

I knew that what I was doing, what we had been doing, was more than just wrong. It was lying, it was cheating, it was immoral… it was all that I had and I couldn’t let go. He’d hooked my heart that very first night we’d met, all that time ago, even knowing that I probably wouldn’t ever see him again. Even knowing later that I had zero chance of winning his heart, I still hung on, I still tried. And I still lost.

So, where does that leave me?

Hell if I know, but it sure as heck hurts.

But as I think of this child that I carry, I know that in the end, every last ounce of suffering has been worth it.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 9

Mika's Note: More bad words and emotional wounding...

If you had asked me if I could managed four months without Jonas in my life, I’d have laughed at you. I thought I was going to die during his three-week hiatus not so very long ago, so four months would have certainly been a death sentence.

Somehow I managed. I think it’s because it wasn’t my choice and having that choice taken away makes all the difference in the world. So, I suppose he helped me out there at least.

For the first week, he continued to come in every morning for his routine chocolate milk, chatting me up, pretending like we’d never been lovers. However, the dark circles under my eyes and my sad face must’ve driven him away because he stopped coming in after that. It was probably for the best.

But it still sucks.

Until today.

Approaching my last few weeks of pregnancy, my life had suddenly gone to hell in a handbasket. Out of nowhere I start dropping things. Constantly. They tell me that this is normal but nooooo… I can’t take it! I’m clumsy as it is, I so do not need any help. And the tripping and stumbling are out of control. Again, all normal they say. I think I hate them. But then, I’m so confused anymore that I can’t really be sure. Someone told me that losing my brains is all part and parcel of the pregnancy gig, but again, who the hell knows anymore?

So, I’d just knocked over a stack of plastic cold drink cups and was scraping them together when I heard that laugh. Yeah, that very same laugh that I’d fallen in love with. That laugh that used to whisper in my ear during while basking in the glow of our time together. It was a good thing I was already on my hands and knees on the floor because my knees gave out the moment that glorious sound reached my ears.

Using the gibungous espresso machine as cover, I peeked over the edge of the counter and confirmed my fears. Jonas. In my store, again. Granted, they’d swapped my shifts again temporarily and I by rights shouldn’t have been there at that moment. But there he stood, with Macy and another unknown, if handsome, man. Macy had started wearing maternity clothes despite not needing them quite yet and she stood, quietly rubbing her belly and sighing, inviting strangers to touch and question. Stupid attention-seeking cow.

Taking a deep breath, I gathered the cups to me and tried to crab walk over to the trash can. Be small, be small… was my chant. Should have been be invisible I now realize. Too late.

“Morgan!” my manager cried out in shock. “What are you walking like that for?” I’d bent myself over to carry the cups and not be seen at the same time.

“Umm,” I stalled, not really knowing what I was supposed to tell her. Didn’t matter because she interrupted me before I could think of an excuse.

“Well, whatever the reason, stop it this instance!” Her shrill voice had attracted the attention of everyone in the store, employee and customer alike. “You’ll throw your back out and be on bed rest from now until the baby comes!” She tugged the tower of plastic cups out of my hands and stormed off with them, leaving me exposed and without any cover.

And with Jonas’ eyes focused squarely on me. And my huge belly.

His wide, wide eyes and pale face.

“Morgan Delaney,” he growled, glaring angrily at me. “What the fuck is going on here?”

“Jonas?” his friend began, trying to keep the situation from exploding.

Jonas pushed past Mr. Hottie and stalked towards the counter, behind which I stood, scared half to death.

“I asked you a question!”

“Jonas!” Thank God for Macy. I never thought I’d be happy to hear her voice. “What are you doing? How do you know,” she waved her hand vaguely in my direction, “this girl?” Ahh, demoted.

“Later, Macy,” he turned back to me. “I asked you a question, Morgan,” he repeated for like the gazillionth time. “And I want an answer.”

He’d gotten snotty with the wrong person, because I’m not only pregnant and cranky, but I’m a natural smartass. And that’s never a good combination. “Gee, Jonas,” I sang as sweet as cotton candy, “I was just stacking a pile of cups when clumsy ol’ me knocked them over and onto the floor. And you know how clumsy I can be,” and here I resisted the urge to grin, “still feel bad about the black eye I gave you that night.”

When his jaw hit the floor, I let myself smile. He’d hurt me and I dealt with that. However, I was not going to allow him to talk to me like that. Not now, not ever. Macy was oscillating between pale and a lovely pink blush, confused as to whether she should be angry or embarrassed. Mr. Hottie seemed to be battling the smile crossing his face and losing.

“And now,” I continued, even more sweetly, “I must return to work. Supporting this baby of yours on my own isn’t easy.”

I fled to the back room before the tears could break and embarrass me any more than I’d already embarrassed myself. Closing the coat closet behind me, I could hear Macy’s high voice battling it out with Jonas’ deeper, sexier one. And how sad does that make me? He just humiliated me in front of my customers and my co-workers and I still can’t help but remember how sexy he is?

Try as I might, I just can’t walk away.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 8

Almost eight months into our torrid, steamy affair, Jonas announced that it had to end. I had seen it coming for awhile, but it still took me by surprise. He and Macy had mended their burned bridges and were happy again. Jonas thought that it was time to move things forward. Again.

Doesn’t the boy ever learn?

Before his announcement, he’d started to come around less and less. At first, it became only once a week, instead of twice or more. And then it became once every other week. I’d prepared myself for this event, knowing and honestly hoping he could work things out with the woman he so obviously loved. But that doesn’t mean it made me happy. So, when he called after a long silence, I jumped on any offer to go out that I could get.

We met not far from where we had first met that rainy night and shared a pizza. Over some homemade potato chips and cheese sauce, he told me his plans and apologized for leaving me hanging.

Next, he took me to help pick out her ring. I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or offended, but at that point, I was just happy to get five more minutes alone with him. Each minute could be my last and that wasn’t something I was looking forward to.

I did my best to try and guess her preferences. See, I’ve never been much of a girly girl and have always leaned towards simple, functional, and unobtrusive. My eyes automatically drifted towards the silver and turquoise lining the front wall, but I instinctively knew that a woman like Macy wouldn’t ever go for something like that, especially not for an engagement ring.

Tearing my eyes from the simple, yet elegant silver band embedded with a mosaic of red coral and turquoise, I sighed and looked at the ritzier, more expensive diamond and platinum numbers in the center of the store.

Amazingly enough, it wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. After a brief glance at the case, I saw it. A pink diamond set in a platinum band, surrounded by a fistful of tiny, round diamonds. I glanced at the price and about lost my lunch. I could make almost four mortgage payments for what this one ring would cost. But I knew in my heart that it was the right one.

“Here,” I called to Jonas, who was behind me, staring into my favorite case.

“Hmm,” he commented, rubbing his chin. “Yes, I think you’re right. I’ll take it.”

It hadn’t ever occurred to me until that moment just how much money he had to have. “It’s not too much, is it?” I was afraid he’d think I was trying to break him.

But he just shook his head, smiling. “Actually, it’s cheaper than all the ones around it. You did good, I think she’s going to love it.”

Gee, thanks, nice consolation prize there, Jo.

I awoke the next morning, stumbling around the apartment I lived in, trying desperately to find some caffeine before I left for work. Eventually giving up and deciding on work first, I almost tripped over the package on my doorstep. Dumbfounded, I reached for the small box I’d just kicked and opened it.

It was my ring.

Yeah, that turquoise and silver one I’d found the night before while shopping for someone else’s engagement ring. I didn’t know what to say right then and that’s when I saw the card.

Don’t say a word.

I can’t tell you good-bye,

But I have to let you go.

Wear this and remember me.

Remember, my ass. I might dream and fantasize and whine and moan, but I could never just remember him. His smell, his smile, his touch, his kiss, his everything.

Halfway down the stairs, I smelled his cologne.

At the foot of the stairs, I saw his smile.

In the safety of his arms, he told me he couldn’t ever be without me, and despite his feelings for Macy, that he needed me, that I was the other half to his whole. In hindsight, I probably should have known better. At that very moment, I couldn’t have cared less.

He was back, if only for today.

I missed work that morning.

And I’m such a fool.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 7

Mika's Note: Told ya I'd be back... some more potty mouths...

I walked around in a depression induced haze for at least three weeks after my last visit with Jonas. The idea that not only was Macy pregnant but that he had decided to rededicate himself to her sent my head spinning. And my heart breaking.

Deep down, I’ve always known that the day would come when he’d leave me but I never thought it would be like this. I thought we’d slowly grow apart or that we’d have this big knockdown, drag out fight and end up hating each other. Never in my wildest nightmare did I imagine he’d leave me for his wife. I mean, wasn’t I his salvation from that very woman? And obviously his relationship with her has been better than he’s been letting on.

With the support of my two dearest friends, I spilled my big secret. I came clean to them about everything – the affair, the baby, the heartache, every last detail. After a few moments of watching their mouths gape and eyes widen, Shay started to bawl; Carter started to fume.

“How could he do this?” he wanted to know. “Lying, sneaking bastard.”

Me, I knew how easy it was. Started on a whim and became a habit. And after awhile, you get to the point where you know no different.

Shay was more concerned about me at least. “Will you be okay?”

I nodded; I didn’t have much choice, really. Pull myself up by the boot straps and keep on truckin’. Besides, you can only feel so sorry for yourself before you even get sick of you.

“How did all this happen?” they both wanted to know. So, with a heavy heart and a good dose of I don’t wanna do this I retold my story to them. By the end, they were both shaking their heads, sad for me; angry at him.

Which is good for me, I guess.

Somehow, sometime during this retelling of the greatest adventure of my life, I came to a conclusion. No matter how much it hurt me to lose him, I had to stop relying on him for my happiness. If I was going to have this child and raise him right, I needed to be strong. I needed to be the Morgan I was before I ever met Jonas McCaskill.

And I was going to start now.

While Carter began plotting revenge on the scum that knocked me up (his words, not mine, I swear!), Shay and I talked babies. Names, clothes, nurseries, Lamaze classes… the works. I can’t even begin to describe the relief I felt at having my secret out in the open finally. I just wished I’d been able to confess my sins to Jonas before it was too late.

And now I was stuck.

At well-past my bedtime, I ushered the crew out. We exchanged hugs, kisses, a few belly rubs, and a threat or two before they left me to my thoughts.

This wasn’t going to be easy, but I could do it. And not so much now because I had to, but with every passing minute, it was becoming more because I wanted to than anything else. I wanted a happy, healthy baby to live in a happy, loving home. And that’s just what he was going to get.

And, if later on down the line I found another man? Well, we’d see. But you can bet your sweet ass I’m going to make sure he’s not married – or even dating anyone else – first.

But that whole find a daddy thing? It’s filed safely in the to do later – much, much later file. For now? My focus was squarely on me for the first time in a long while.

Current

As far as what I've written on I Can't Walk Away goes, that is.  Hope to get a couple more chapters written today and posted.  Would like to finish it before the week is over as well.  :)

Thanks for reading!

~Mika

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 6

I keep saying that I never meant to sleep with him and I think that I mean it. It was seven weeks after our first meeting and slowly but surely, every week he’d noted improvements in his relationship with his then girlfriend, Macy. Somehow, they’d defied the odds and patched things up. He’d started talking about asking her to move in.

My heart sank with every word.

As if to prove our friendship, he’d started frequenting the coffee bar I manned in the early mornings, despite not being a coffee drinker. I’d conned him into chocolate milk one morning and he’d returned every day after. It made me smile to think that he went through so much to see me, just for a few minutes, every day. Made my heart soar and then plunge when I remembered that he wasn’t free.

We met one Friday night, not long after he’d asked Macy to move in. When he’d arrived, he was angry, frustrated, and not the Jonas I’d come to know so well. I was on immediate high alert.

“What’s up, Jo?” I’d asked, afraid of the truth.

“Two weeks,” he growled. “Two freaking weeks!” He slammed his fist into the bar top, scaring both Bryan and I.

“What do you mean?” I gripped his wrist with my hand, hoping my touch would calm him some.

“We’ve been living together for two lousy weeks,” he spat, “and she cheated on me.”

Oh my. “What?” I was appalled; he was such a good, loyal man and she did this? In the entire time we’d been ‘seeing’ each other, he’d never done more than touch my hand. And that kiss? It had been the only one to date, and even then, it wasn’t anything a woman could get jealous over. “How did you find out?”

He blew out a noisy breath. “She told me. Can you believe that?”

“Maybe she regretted it and wanted it out in the open,” I suggested.

He shook his head. “No, no I don’t think that was her motive. I think she was trying to make it clear to me that she is the one in charge and that she can do what she wants when she wants.”

Double oh my. “Why would she go to such an extreme?” I was well and truly confused.

He shook his head sadly. “I’m not sure, but she sure made her point.” Jonas frowned and ordered a beer. I watched him drink it down faster than I ever had before. When he ordered another, I stepped in.

“Why don’t we go somewhere else? Get out of here before you have too many and do something stupid?” Please? I so didn’t want to be there when he did whatever it was.

Oooops. Too late.

He leaned over and kissed the corner of my mouth, the scent of his beer wafting up my nostrils. “Okay, what do you suggest?”

“A movie? There are theaters here at The Ranch.”

He shook his head. “I’m not much of a movie goer.”

Couldn’t fault him that one neither was I. “Me either, usually. So, what do you suggest?”

“Take me home with you.”

Oh freaking triple my.

And I did.

God help me, but I did. And I enjoyed it. I loved every minute of it, of him. Every freaking screaming multi-orgasmic minute of it.

And given the chance to have a do-over? I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 5

(Mika's Note & an Apology: See, I'm already forgetting the disclaimers...  This one has a bit of bad words and a lot of emotional trauma. LOL)

I awoke from a sleep I hadn’t realized I’d been sleeping to a pounding at my front door. I looked around my darkened bedroom groggily, trying to get my bearings.

“Morgan!” I heard Jonas rage at my closed door. “Damnit, open up!”

Pushing myself into an upright position was getting harder by the day. Groaning, I managed to get my feet on the floor and stop the room from spinning, but not before he started pounding again. I sighed and stood, balancing myself against the wall.

“Morgan! I’m not joking!”

“Obviously,” I muttered, a bit peeved at his impatience. I trudged the short distance down the hallway and flung the door open, glaring at him. “Shut the hell up before my neighbors complain!”

“I don’t care about your neighbors right now,” he snarled, pushing past me into my living room.

“Gee, Jonas, come on in,” I shot back, closing the door on us.

“I’m in no mood for games, Morgie.”

“Me either seeing as I was asleep until you started to abuse my door.”

He looked at me then and must’ve notice my whiter shade of pale complexion and purple circles under my eyes because his face softened suddenly. “I’m sorry, Morgan, I’m just angry and upset and you weren’t answering…”

Ahh, see, there’s the real reason for the anger. I’ve been at his beck and call for two years and the first time I’m not there when he needs me, he freaks. Typical. And all along I thought he was the calm, cool and collected type. “Sorry Jo, but like I said…”

“I know, I know,” he interrupted, pacing my small living room. “You were sleeping. What were you doing when I called earlier?”

I hate that suspicious tone. As if I was cheating on him or some crap. Jerk. Something really had his panties in a knot tonight because he’s never been so nasty to me, not even when I’d deserved it. “I was in bed, alone, feeling sorry for myself because I was abandoned.” I left out the part about ‘by the man I love’ because those words were forbidden between us. Me, I was afraid to hear them from any man after the last one that had said them to me and him, well, he wasn’t available to really love me after all.

He stopped his pacing and came to stand before me. Touching my face with a hand, he frowned. “I’m sorry baby, but you know I had to go.”

I shrugged and pulled away. “I know you had to leave but that never makes it any easier.” A line from one of my favorite Sugarland songs suddenly started playing on a loop in my brain. And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting/It's too much pain to have to bare/To love a man you have to share … I shook my head to stop the impromptu concert before it got to the last verse and I burst into tears like every other time I listened to it lately. “And while I know I don’t have right to complain, it’s not very fair either.”

Jonas threw his hands into the air. “Why do you continue to do this to me?” He picked back up pacing and glowered at me. “Why do you push when you know I don’t have any more to give?”

Was he fucking kidding me? “Um, I dunno, Jonas. You are the one who showed up on my doorstep a moment ago, demanding to be let in. Why do you keep coming back? And even better, why are you here now?” I admit, I don’t always make his life easy; I’m in love with the jerk and I do everything I can to stake my claim on him, but there was something else going on her and I needed to know what.

He threw his hands up again, but this time there was more resignation behind it than anger. Exhausted, he fell onto my couch and started massaging his temples. “I’m going to be a father, Morgan.”

Panic flooded my brain and a thousand and one questions demanded answers. How did he know? Who told him when I hadn’t told anyone? What was he going to do to me for keeping it a secret? And then reality hit me.

The phone call.

It’s not our baby he was fretting over; it was theirs.

Aw, shit.

“Did you hear me, Morgan? Macy’s pregnant.”

Yeah, I heard you, loud and clear. “Yeah,” I muttered. “Congratulations. Are you exited?”

“Excited?” he asked incredulously. “Are you crazy? You know I don’t want kids.”

No doubt. There’s one more reason why she’d had such trouble breaking the news to him. “I thought she didn’t either?”

He shook his head. “She hadn’t. I guess it was an accident, or something.”

Sabotage? “So, what next?”

“For her and I, I’m not sure, but she says she’s keeping it and that I’ve gotta live with it.”

Lovely. “And?”

“And what,” he questioned, turning to look at me for the first time since dropping the bomb.

“And what about us, what little there is left?” My heart pounded; I swear he could hear it from across the room.

“There isn’t any more us. It has to end and now. I have a tough enough time splitting my time between you and her. No way I can do that with a baby in the picture. I’m sorry, Morgie, but this is goodbye.”

As if he ‘split’ his time anyway. All I managed to get was the leftovers. “I don’t want to lose you, I need you.” I will not cry, I will not cry, I will NOT… oh hell, I’m crying.

I covered my face with my hands and let loose. All the emotions that I’d bottled up over the last sixteen weeks came pouring out of me. Sometime during my breakdown, he’d come to stand before me again. He gently lifted my chin until my watery blue eyes were level with his serious green ones.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to do. I have to be there for her now. She needs me.”

And I need you. If you only knew how much. But then, curiosity nagged at my brain. “How far along is she?”

“Ten weeks,” he told me and my heart leapt a little at that. I’d beaten her out in that at least. I had a good six week head start on her. “Why?”

I shrugged. “Just curious, it’s a woman thing,” I lied.

He nodded as if he understood. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips lightly to mine. A chaste, brotherly kiss if I’d ever had one. “Goodbye Morgan Delaney.”

“Goodbye, Jonas.”

He let his fingers trail through my hair as he turned and walked out of my life. I stood and watched until the door closed. I don’t remember anything after that.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 4

I didn't see him again for a couple weeks.  My idiot managers switched my shifts around, thinking I'd be better working a later shift.  Little did they know that I was much nicer to the customers first thing in the morning before I'd woken up enough to realize they were annoying me.  However, once they figured it out, I was back to my early morning shifts, slinging coffee and chatting up the patrons, leaving my afternoons and evenings gloriously free.

In celebration, Shay and Carter demanded we go out.  Hey, who am I to argue?  Especially when they offered to buy.  So, we all tromped down that rainy night and gathered at our favorite table.  Talk was light, moods were high and I was halfway through my steak boxty when I saw him. 

His dark hair was plastered to his forehead from the sudden rainfall, causing his deep green eyes to sparkle even more than usual.  I watched his lips quirk up in a half-smile when he saw me with my friends.  Tossing me a wink, he made his way over to Bryan.

Heart pounding, I tried to focus on the conversation going on around me.  I'd suddenly lost my appetite despite having been ravenous a minute before.  Sighing, I'd almost wished I'd stayed home.  Almost.

"Excuse me," Damon, one of the cuter waiters interrupted our prattle, "but the gentleman at the bar sent this for you, Miss Morgan."

I was shocked.  Looking up, I saw him at the bar, grinning, holding his own glass up in a toast.  Carter reached out and closed my open mouth, laughing.  "Whoooo, Morgie, I think you've got a live one there."

"Thanks, Damon," I spluttered, trying to ignore Carter's grin.  "Tell him thank you for me?"

"Nuh-uh," Shay cut in.  "Go tell 'im yourself."  She grabbed my arm and made to pull me off my stool.

"But," I spluttered again, uselessly.

"Shay's right, go baby, go."

And how can you argue with that?

I watched his grin grow broader as each step brought us closer.  He stood when I was still a foot or two away, pulling out a seat at the bar for me.  "Join me?" he asked in that oh-my-God voice. 

Blushing, I nodded.  "They," I began, pointing to my oh so obvious friends, "wanted me to come say thank you."

He grinned.  "And?"

I blushed more.  "Thanks?"

He laughed.

And we talked, long after Shay and Carter had given up on us.  I'd say we closed the bar down, but hey, this is Vegas baby, and um, well, the bars just don't close here.  But I can say we came close. 

He walked me to my truck, and asked me for my phone number.  He was thankful to have someone so easy to talk to, he'd said, and that I was making this rough time so much easier for him.  And I'm a sucker for a handsome man, so I handed my number over, willingly, never really expecting him to call.

But he did.

Every weekend.

That night, he'd kissed me lightly as I sat in the driver's seat of my old Dodge.  He stood in the rain, bent over and pressed his lips to mine.  I'd known about his girl, but this didn't seem wrong at the time, more like the kind of kiss Carter would've given me, no more, no less.  Quick, light, and friendly.

I was in love, I just didn't know it yet.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 3

I wallowed in my misery until the phone rang.  Somehow, I knew it'd be him, and that there would be bad news.  I reached for the phone and checked the display.  McCaskill, Jonas and Macy.  I let the phone fall to the bed beside me, ringing away.  I just wasn't ready.

I brushed the tears from my eyes, trying to pretend they didn't exist.  Fruitless gesture, but a girl can try, right?  My hand strayed to rest on my belly, reminding me all over again why I'd called Jonas for the first time in over two years.

Yeah.  Sucks, don't it?

And before I can break the news to him, for better or for worse, he's forced to run back to her side, just like the trained dog that he is.  I bet he even falls at her feet, begging forgiveness.

Ah, hell.  That's not fair.  Despite their rocky marriage and her indifference to him lately, he did love her at one time.  I'm jealous and I'm bitter because he doesn't love me like that.  And I know that he never really will.

Pregnant or not, I had to make my own way.  I'd learned the hard way that you can't depend on a man to help you get what you need.  Having one around was nice and handy, but certainly wasn't on my need list.  Geez, look where this one got me.  And he's not even mine!  Not really.

Closing my eyes, I tried to push thoughts of Jonas and what the bad news might be out of my head.  I hadn't been sleeping well the last few months.  See, once upon a time I'd been pregnant and it hadn't worked out too well, so naturally, the paranoia set in the moment I saw those two pink lines.  Granted, I don't have an abusive father or a psychopathic boyfriend to deal with this time around, but still.  Things stick.

Then, those three weeks I went without Jonas, without his smile, or his touch, they were pure hell.  Cannot count the nights I spent blaming myself and wishing I could change things.  Oh, yeah, I can.  Twenty-three.  Twenty-three long, lonely, horrid days passed before he returned to me.  Sorrowful, repentant, and hornier than a sixteen-year-old high school boy.  But, um, well, that's something else all together.

And to make things worse, I'd meant to tell him about the baby that night, the night I chased him away by being too needy, by clinging too tightly.  But that instinct had kicked in, that need had overcome me.  And I could not stop myself.

He never gave me a chance to tell him either.  From my first proclamation of, "Stay with me!" he grew angry, surly, and just nasty.  Threw things like commitment and obligation at me, reminded me of his duty to her and the vows that he'd made.  Things that seemed to vanish into the mist when he was cock-deep between my thighs.  It was then, that night that I came to understand I wasn't good enough to be on his arm for the world to see.  I was only good for the things he came to me for late in the night.  Lucky me.  Despite all that, I can't help but be in love with him.  I can't help but need him as much as he seems to need her. 

And I hate myself for it. 

But now, now that part of him is growing deep within me, I know there'll never be a cure.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 2

He wasn't married when I first met him. He and Macy were on the outs and it wasn’t looking good for them. I had no intentions of getting involved. Not with him or anyone else that night. But something in the way he looked at me made me chuck it all out the window with that first smile.

I’d promised a couple of friends that I’d meet them at our favorite hangout, a small Irish pub in one of the local off-Strip casinos, but I hadn't wanted to. My lack of a love life hung heavily over me on my best days. Going out with my two best friends, who both happened to be in the relationships of their lives, made it that much worse. And not because they rubbed it in. Nah, they'd both been where I was and they got it. And they didn’t push. But still... Third wheel and all.

Shay and Carter were deeply engrossed in a playful argument over something that had happened eons ago, and I was distracted. Neither were right, because they were blaming each other when it was another friend who’d started the fight that night. So, I'd kinda spaced on their conversation and let my eyes wander.

I found him almost immediately. He sat at the bar, Corona bottle in front of him like a monument to a long lost friend. Condensation dripped onto the bar and he seemed lost in his thoughts. I found it amusing that he was drinking a Mexican beer in an Irish pub and had to smile to myself. Noticing my own glass was empty, I excused myself to my deaf friends and approached the bar.

And stood at his side.

The bartender greeted me, smiling, and refilled me with my usual. His idea of an Irish Margarita. My idea of yum. Well, that and the man sitting next to me.

He smelled amazing that night. A hint of light cologne, a touch of soap, and that musky, all-male smell that real men all seem to have. And the way those green eyes simmered beneath those dark ebony curls. I was in instant lust.

I waited while Bryan the Bartender shook and poured my drink. While reaching for my salvation, I inadvertently bumped the hunk staring at his dripping beer.

“Sorry!” I exclaimed, truly sorry because I am a natural klutz. “At least I didn’t spill any on you.”

Bryan laughed. “Yeah, she dumped a whole one on some poor schmuck two weeks ago.”

“See,” I teased, “it could have been worse.”

And that’s when he smiled at me. “Really?” I swear, the angles sang and the clouds parted when he spoke.

“Yeah, really. I coulda doused you.”

He nodded, rubbing his chin lightly. “I see. Care to have a seat?”

No, no I didn’t. My friend are waiting for me back at our table. I'm not ready for a relationship right now. Men are pigs. They treat women like crap. All my ready-made excuses flew out the window alongside my reservations. “Sure.”

And that’s where it started. Neither of us were interested in a relationship with the other. Sure, he was cute, but I’d had too long a string of bad ones to venture out again so soon. And he was desperate to try and fix things with Macy. What happened after that still surprises me.

I Can't Walk Away Chapter 1

(Mika's Notes: Some potty mouth in this one and a big huge no-no)

I knew it was going to happen, sooner or later. It was only a matter of time. But then, she always did have the world’s worst timing.

He’d only just settled down beside me, pulling me into his arms and cuddling me against his chest. But of course that’d be the moment she needed him the most. Just when I finally had him to myself she decided that she wanted him too.

Phooey.

She should have tried to keep him before he left. But that’d be too easy, right? That means she would have had to pay some sort of attention to him, give him affection and listen. That’s always been too hard for her to do. Macy never wanted to do or give anything that didn’t deal directly with her.

And sometimes it makes me wonder if she knew. About me and her husband. If that was why her timing was always so bad. Because it sure as hell seemed like she knew he was somewhere he shouldn’t be, doing something bad. But oh, so good.

I sighed as he rolled away from me, muttering an apology I wasn’t sure he meant. It always ended up this way. But at least she had the courtesy to interrupt us before we got started this time.

“Hello?” Jonas answered his phone as if he hadn’t already read the caller ID. “Yeah? Nope.” Pause while he frowned into the dusk of the room. “I’ll be home in a couple hours. No, not sooner. You said you wanted some time to yourself.”

Damn. I hate the way she can guilt him so easily. He deserves so much better. Jonas is a good guy with a big heart. He’d do anything for anyone, even this woman he only feels obligated to. It makes me want to smack the crap out of her, but I know that I can’t. How unfair is that?

He snapped his phone shut, finishing his call while I was contemplating my best option for murder. Sighing heavily, he looked at me.

“No,” I said, sitting up and holding out a warning hand. “Oh no, you just got here.”

“She’s my wife,” he reminded me lightly.

“I don’t fucking care. She doesn’t love you; she loves to control you.”

Jonas shrugged and looked over my shoulder at the picture on my nightstand. “I know, but I can’t walk away from her. She’s my wife and while we don’t always get along, I do love her.”

Yeah, way to freaking remind me, thanks J. “I know, I know. I just wish…” I shut my mouth before I could tell him what I was really thinking.

He leaned over me, brushing my hair from my face. His deep green eyes penetrated down to my soul. “What do you wish, tell me.”

I bit my lip. I wish you were mine. “I wish she treated you better, that’s all.”

He frowned and sat up, taking those eyes with him. “We’ve talked about this and I thought we agreed not to bring it up any more.”

It was my turn to sigh. Would he rather I’d told him the truth of what I’d been thinking? No, because the last time I told him I wanted him here, with me, and that he should leave her once and for all, he’d stormed out and not returned for three weeks. He’d only come back last week and I wasn’t going to risk losing him like that again. Not now. “No, Jo, and you’re right. I’m sorry.” I’m sorry that I can’t tell you the truth. “So, what’s the story this time?”

He frowned at me, but let it go. “I don’t know, she won’t tell me. She’s upset about something.” And suddenly, it hits him. I can see the light flicker behind those emerald beauties. “You wanted to talk to me about something too, that’s why I came here, wasn’t it?”

It was. I’d called him for the first time since our relationship began two years, three months and four days ago. Every day before today, I sat and I waited for him to call. Or better yet, just show up on my door step. Those were always the unforgettable nights. I shrugged, praying he didn’t see the fear and sadness in my own blue eyes. “It can wait, Jonas, I can see you’re anxious to go.”

He reached forward and touched his fingertips to my cheek. “Are you sure?”

I nodded; I so wasn’t able to speak at that moment. I’m not psychic, but I knew at that moment that whatever it was she wanted to tell him would change all three of us irrevocably. And I had a horrifying belief that I was going to lose him forever.

“Okay, but if you change your mind…” He stood and pulled his jeans on, tugging them up over his fine backside.

I’ll scream your name out to the emptiness of this house. “I won’t call you; I never do.”

“But you did, and that worries me. Are you sure you’re okay?”

I plastered the best fake smile I could find onto my face. “I’ll be fine. Go before she calls again.”

Okay, maybe I am psychic because, no sooner than the words left my mouth, his phone started ringing again. Sighing, he grabbed his ball cap, slapped it on his head, and answered it. I could tell by the look on his face that it was her again. I shook my head and frowned. He frowned back and blew me a kiss as he walked out my bedroom door.

Damn her anyway.

About I Can't Walk Away

You may or may not know about my Ali & Blake stories, but either way, they had a rough go of it at first, but eventually pulled through and are as happy as they can be.  However, Ali kept nagging at me about 'what might have been' had she and Blake not gotten back together.  Where would she have been had she been pregnant that first time?  And how would she have coped if Blake had stayed with Leslie? 

All these questions swirled round and round in my brain until I finally came up with this story.  I'll post it chapter by chapter and tag it with a label of "I Can't Walk Away" so that it'll be easier for you to find.  This story so far has some foul language and the hint of some adult situations, but nothing explicit.  I think I'll be keeping this one clean as I'm sharing it with the Crazy Lady's writing group.  :)  I'm about half done at the moment. 

Enjoy,

Mika

Morning

Howdy! As I mentioned in the 'About Me' on the side there, I'm Mika, the Crazy Lady's writing ego, or more commonly known as her 'pen name'. *shudders* Anyone ever read The Dark Half? Well, you'll never laugh at a 'pen name' ever again after that...

But I digress...

Here you will read my writings and sometimes, if I feel brave enough, my poems (which generally aren't all that good, but I keep trying...). Just be forewarned that sometimes my writings get a bit adult in nature and if that bothers you, just skip it. I'll try and warn you if it gets that way, but, I am, after all, only human and I do make mistakes. Like Ron White says, "Ever forget? Happened to me."

Till later,

Mika