Mika’s Note: This is a very personal piece for me. My best friend had a bad marriage. Her husband left before their child was ever born, I believe, and if not, not very long after the baby arrived (it’s been 11 years, I forget, so sue me). That poor child has this huge hole in her heart that he left and she can’t find a way to fill it without finding him. I wish I could hug her and tell her that she’s so much better off, but I don’t think she would understand, and that’s a good thing, trust me, that not knowing things can be much worse. Sometimes, it’s better when the Daddies don’t stay. Just don’t ask me how I know.
I stood listening to the poor young girl just spilling her heart out over the father she never knew. All the hurt, anger and frustration she’d kept locked inside for the past eleven years overflowed and poured out before me. Her mother sat off to one side, frowning. Mom knew how lucky the poor thing was to have never known her father; the girl had no clue.
Yet, I had been on both sides and knew things that neither of them had a clue to. This is why I was there. Mom had the girl’s best interests at heart, and only wanted her child happy. She knew that deep down, once her budding pre-teen found the man she so desperately sought, that she’d be saddened, broken, and disappointed. However, what she failed to accept was that this, like so many other hurtful ventures, was a needed and necessary part of growing up. Something she needed so she could finally move on. Move forward.
Not pleasant by any means, but something the girl needed to do in order to become the person she was destined to be.
I took the girl’s hand and squeezed it gently. She looked up at me, blue eyes full of tears, and offered up a trembling smile. “So, do you get it? Do you understand or are you like her?” She looked across her shoulder at her mother. Not judging, just questioning.
I shrugged. “Don’t blame your mother; she understands more than you can know. She’s just trying to do her best.” She had, after all, been by my side through most of what had shaped me all those years ago.
The girl sighed. “I know, but she’s not making it any easier.”
Nodding, I agreed. It was a mother’s job to protect, to coddle, to keep safe. “It’s because she knows you have a lifetime of heartache before you, she wants to spare you as much of that as she can.”
The girl nodded, I think she knew that all along, but her quest kept her from acknowledging it. The desire to know, to discover, and to find closure burned in her blue eyes. “But I need this.”
Again, I nodded. I knew so well what she meant. I’ve been there. I’ve suffered the daily heartache of having a father who wanted nothing to do with you. At least, in her case, he’d left and gone away. Mine still came home every night, forcing the rejection into my young, pre-teen face, over and over until I no longer thought I could bear it. And yet, still I strove to make him proud, make him accept and maybe, eventually, want me.
Commiserating on her need to fill that empty space in her chest, to find that acknowledgement and approval that she thinks she lacks, I smiled softly. “I know I needed it once too.”
“How did you get past it?”
She is entirely too perceptive for one of her age, I realized suddenly. “I forgave him.”
The blonde child blinked at me and frowned. “That’s it?”
“That’s it,” I agreed. Sadly, for me, the forgiveness came too late, not until he’d been taken from me and there was no longer a chance for reconciliation.
“How could you give him that?”
It wasn’t easy. He’d destroyed me, more thoroughly than anyone ever could have. He tore down my defenses, beat my self-esteem into submission, and gave me reason to doubt every thought I’d ever had before or since. And yet…
And yet, it wasn’t him that I hated. Near the end, as an adult, I finally came to understand that it wasn’t him who had abandoned me. It was the alcohol. It was the addiction that had torn him away from his family, his job, his life. It abducted him and replaced him with someone no one knew. And that was what had happened to this child as well. The drugs, the lies, the addiction had stolen her father away from her.
She needed to discover that. Would it be easy? Not by a long shot. Did I think she could handle it? Absolutely. She had the heart of gold, an unbelievable group of people who already loved her, supported her, and wanted her. His rejection would hurt, but eventually, I was sure she could find the strength to forgive as well.
“You just let go. You let go of the ache in your heart, the anger in your soul, and the desire to be perfect for him.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Maybe not now, but soon. I promise you that much. One day, you’ll wake up and discover that you can move on. That you don’t need his acceptance any longer to be a whole, beautiful person. It’ll be the most freeing experience of your life. And then you can truly begin to heal.”
She looked over at her mother again, smiling this time. “Okay, but I still need to find him. I don’t know if I can ever move on if I don’t.”
Mom nodded sadly. “I know, and I will do what I can. And you know, that no matter what, when this is all said and done, that I will be there for you, right?”
The girl smiled more broadly. “Of course. I couldn’t do this without you.”
I smiled. She’ll never know just how lucky she was to have grown up with such a loving family surrounding her. How grateful she should be for that hold in her heart, instead of a hole in her soul like I had for most of my life. I’d not change things for me, my trials have helped me become who I am, but if I can spare one child that anguish, then it’s worth it. If I can help this one child that I adore so much, than I have achieved something worthy.
And that in itself is healing the emptiness inside me, my heart, my soul, my very being, making me whole all over again.
